A question I’ve been asking myself a lot at the moment is how can I reclaim my rhythm? How can I reclaim my pace? I’m feeling pressured. And I don’t even know, like, where this sense of pressure stems from. I feel like I’m constantly chasing deadlines, even when, at the moment I’m not really working. Not working for others, I mean, and that I technically have full control of, of work, still, deadlines. I’m speaking also in response to how I feel with what’s happening around the world at the moment, and with the Stop Asian Hate and I feel such intimidation, to speak up. And I don’t just feel this for me, but I’m sensing a lot of fear in my friends as well, in now getting paralysed in not really knowing what to say or how to respond. And there’s this, this intense urgency, that is the undertone of many messages out there right now. And is really restricting my sense of freedom to take a breath, to explore for myself, my baby steps, my giant leaps, that seems to be taken because what we see out there is act now, act now, act now, right now.

And now.

Everything is now, you know.

I haven’t even turned 30 yet. And I’m feeling like why am I living as if today’s the last day, you know? And yeah, like, I cannot stop myself from entering a spiral of assessing my worth, just thinking you know, what have you actually done? When in truth I know deeply the mountain of invisible work I have gone through in this past year, also work that I can’t really quite… and I don’t really need, I don’t really feel any need to manifest as something to show or to prove to others is not something I need to justify. Like, I know I’m growing, is that not enough?

I’m thinking about reclaiming the spaces between why is it that I can’t just be still? Why is it that even hobbies are things that I need to schedule?


Why is it that even within rest, there’s such a sense of unrest in what’s happening later. Why is it that this this sharpening of like, I need to be there, than here with my partner?
Those are my questions

– 7th April 2021